Et tu, Neo?
by Lupus Malum
Summary: It appears that Roman Torchwick can't through life without being sabotaged by someone. Whether its his boss Cinder Fall, his girlfriend Neo, his rival (at least he thinks so anyway) Ruby Rose or a corgi dog in galoshes things just don't seem to go his way. But can a casual visit into the city turn his luck around? Or will it be back to square one. Again. For the twentieth time now.
1. Chapter 1

Roman Torchwick stood triumphantly atop the fallen Nevermore. Before him lay the body of his fallen rival, Ruby Rose. "So Red," he cackled, waving his cane in the air triumphantly. "Your number is up. I have finally got you cornered. You think you can escape? Well you can't!" The figure before him stirred and rose, trembling, to meet his stare.  
"Y-you _killed_ a giant Nevermore with just a _cigar_?" she stuttered as she patted her belt for her weapon, realizing too late that it was beneath the Grimm. Roman coldly raised his cane so that Ruby was looking down the barrel of it. He opened his mouth to say something snappy like 'You won't need that scythe where you're going' or 'End of the line, Red' (a tired old phrase but still rather effective. Then he looked past his cowering opponent.  
"What the…" he started to say as a dark spec, which he had put down to be some sort of shrapnel carried about in the storm, started rocketing towards him. Losing his balance, he tripped over the back of the Nevermore and found himself facing the sky and totally winded. The black spec adjusted its course and headed straight for him. In that funny way that you see things when they are on a collision course with your face, he found himself observing that the spec was in actual fact a corgi dog wearing a pair of black galoshes. Then time sped up again and the dog hit him square in the face.

Roman Torchwick sat up bolt upright in bed, the dreadful scene that had played out before him gone. There were no boot-wearing corgis. No giant Nevermore. No cowering rival. Well, he thought, as his eyes adjusted to the darkness, you had to dream. As he prepared to go back to sleep, he realized that he could still feel the weight of the corgi dog's boots in the side of his face. He patted the side of his face and found a foot. A foot that was connected to a leg. A leg that was connected to his sleeping partner, Neo. Roman gently tried to remove her foot from his face, but those attempts were met with a grunt from Neo and then her other foot hit him in the nose. Roman groaned and flopped back suddenly, in an attempt to evade the feet but rather than flopping to the side, as he had hoped, the smashed down on his face again. He rolled over to his right. Behind him, Neo stirred in her sleep and he felt the feet dig into the small of his back. He groaned again and patted the surface on his side of the bed for his scroll. His hand found it but, in the process of doing so, he managed to push it off. There was a small crash as it hit the floor. Roman imagined that he could hear the sound of breaking glass. He fumbled again and pulled the switch for the bedside lamp. This flashed on immediately, temporarily blinding him. With his arm over his eyes, he felt about on the floor for the possible remains of his scroll. Simultaneously, Neo was expressing her distaste for this sudden light by kicking him repeatedly in the back. As his fingers brushed the edge of the device Neo gave a final kick and, with a stifled yelp, Roman went crashing out of the bed to join his scroll on the floor. As he sat up again, rubbing his head, he found that Neo had spread out across to his side of the bed as well and any chance of gleaning sleep at all was futile. He groaned again and fumbled with his scroll. It slipped straight out of his fingers and hit the floor again. This time Roman definatly heard _something_ shatter. He cursed under his breath.  
"This is just one of those days, isn't it."


	2. Chapter 2

After 'borrowing' another scroll from his boss, Cinder Fall's, office Roman decided to get a head start on the next 'nefarious plan'. Well, by a head start that meant breakfast. Blearily he headed to the kitchen, muttering along the way about the unfairness of life. "Typical," he growled, opening the door to the freezer. "While they're all living it up in some inn or something while they recruit their little lackeys, with their food cooked for them and multiple bathrooms, we're stuck here eating…" He paused as he stared into the freezer. "…Ice cream apparently. What happened to those toaster waffles I put in here?" He then went over to the fridge. It was empty. The cupboards. Empty. Even the _trash can_ was empty. Although mentally repulsed at himself for even _looking_ in the trashcan, Roman's mind drifted back to his stomach. "Not _everyone_ can eat ice cream first thing in the morning, Neo," he moaned despite the fact that the bed-hogging, food-replacing saboteur was fast asleep. Probably dreaming of defeating a rival _without_ being interrupted by a dog he reasoned. Eventually giving in to the call of his stomach, he retrieved an open carton of ice cream from the freezer and set it out on the side to defrost. Then he slumped down at the kitchen table and lit a cigar. And waited. Eventually, there was a yawn from the other room. Then a slump as something fell out of bed. Then some crashing as something, nay _someone_ , knocked over the cane which had been neatly propped against the doorway the night before. Roman held his breath as Neo stumbled into the room. She waved a cheery hello to him, apparently oblivious to the dark circles under his eyes, and surveyed the kitchen. Her eyes widened when she saw the ice cream and she picked it up, somehow magically summoning two bowls and spoons from the recesses of the massive sweater she was wearing. These she plonked down in front of Roman, as she bustled cheerily around scooping three different flavors of ice cream into each receiving vessel. Roman stubbed out his cigar in the ash tray and peered into his own bowl. "Neapolitan…" he observed, prodding it with his spoon. "How appropriate." Neo grinned, mis-reading his tone and plonked herself down opposite of him. The long sleeves of her sweater caught the ash tray, sweeping it to the floor. Almost absent-mindedly, Roman leant out of his chair and caught it before it could hit the floor. Neo applauded.

"All I'm saying is…" he continued, jabbing the spoon into the frozen treat. "…all I'm saying is that we should at _least_ get a pay raise for this. I mean, holding down the fort and all that while they're off…doing whatever they're doing. Why can't _we_ assist Cinder in one of her stupid nefarious plans? If anything, we're more capable than Emerald and… what's the other one's name? Jupiter? Pluto?"  
Neo held up a finger, indicating for him to stop talking. She pushed her chair back and walked over to the countertop. Roman craned his neck to see what she was doing. Neo removed a white board and pen, which had been handily lying there, and sat back down again. The pen squeaked as she jotted something down. Then she turned the board so he could see.

 **It's not Pluto, it's Mercury.  
And the reason is that you have a criminal record and are easily recognizable and frankly, Cinder doesn't trust me.**

"I can see why," muttered Roman under his breath. Neo threw the pen at him. He caught it in one hand and threw it back. "All I'm saying is…"

 **We need a pay raise?**

He pushed the white board down. "No, I've already said that. But really _I_ should be running this operation. It should be me. I get along well enough with the White Fang. I have the experience. I have the criminal record. _I_ have the terrifying partner. I would've destroyed Ruby-red-hooded-Rose when I first met her if it wasn't for that Glynda Goody-two-shoes huntress. I'm Roman Torchwick! Vale's most wanted! People tremble at the sound of my name! I'd be ruling all of _Remnant_ by now if it weren't for…"

Neo coughed and held up her white board.

 **You're monolouging again. That will get you killed some day.**

Roman sighed. "Shut up and eat your ice cream Neo."


	3. Chapter 3

Roman groaned, face pushed flat against the table, as Neo finished the laborious process of eating her breakfast. Her spoon scraped painfully around the rim of her bowl. She then lifted it to her mouth and slowly licked it. "Do ya _have_ to eat that so… disgustingly Neo?" moaned Roman, propping his head up with his elbows. Neo slowly stuck her tongue, still covered with ice cream, out at him. He muttered something and stood up, dumping his bowl and spoon into the sink. There was the sound of something shattering. Roman suddenly burst into a stream of curse words, kicking out at the table in his rage. His foot swung wide, setting him off balance and then crashing down onto the table. Neo neatly removed her bowl and spoon, as the ash tray went flying. She put the spoon in her mouth, uninterested, as said ash tray went crashing down over her partner's head. From his vantage point on the floor, Roman watched as Neo hopped off her stool and placed her bowl neatly on the countertop. Then she walked over to Roman and bent over and kissed him on the forehead, while handing him her white board. He watched as she disappeared out of the door. Groaning, he propped himself up again and looked at the whiteboard.

 **Poor sweet baby.**

"Who am I?" he muttered, tossing the offending object over his shoulder. "Charlie Brown?"

After disposing of the broken dishes, Roman decided to head back to bed. He passed Neo on his way to the bedroom. She was fully dressed, with her parasol slung jauntily over her shoulder. "Going somewhere?" he asked, as she saluted him cheerfully. There was a pause as Neo rummaged in her pocket and pulled out another, smaller whiteboard.

 **I'm disposing of the scroll you broke before Cinder sees. This really isn't your day, is it?**

Roman rolled his eyes. "Well thank you for noticing." Neo wiped the board clean and glared at him.  
"Ok, sorry Neo. I am sorry that I am taking it out on you. It is not your fault. You are not to blame in any way. You're a special little snowflake. Happy now?" he spurted. Neo thwacked him in the shins with her parasol.  
"Fine. Be like that then. When will you be back?"  
Neo shrugged and slung her weapon back over her shoulder. Roman crouched down as she stood up on her tiptoes and gave him a quick peck on the mouth. Then she was gone, swinging a plastic carrier back with the broken scroll inside it.  
"Don't get arrested or killed…" he shouted after her. She paused in the doorway and blew him a kiss.  
"Oh yeah," he muttered, as she disappeared. "Stupid request."

His head had barely hit the pillow when there was a sharp rap landing short of his ear. "Torchwick!" belted a feminine voice. He slowly opened his eyes and groaned, yet again.  
"Hello Cinder," he said, forcing a smile.  
Cinder stood, towering above him, with her hands on her hips.  
"I am very disappointed," she growled, clapping her hands. Emerald and the other one, Saturn? Venus? No. Mercury. Emerald and Mercury appeared immediately at her shoulders. "I expect to return to a neatly managed lair, but what do I find?"  
"Too much ice cream?" answered Roman, raising an eyebrow. He propped himself further up in the bed.  
"It was a rhetorical question!" spat Cinder. Behind her Mercury smirked. Roman glowered in return.  
"But yes," Cinder continued. "That Neo brat has done a runner, all the food is gone and _you_ haven't even gotten out of _bed_!"  
"Now hang on a minute…" protested Roman, fumbling for his cane before realizing that Neo had knocked it over _and_ that it was on the other side of the room, "Neo isn't a brat. She's about the same age as you, well obviously younger…"  
Cinder's eyes narrowed and she folded her arms.  
"…but she's not a brat."  
"What were you planning on doing today, Roman?" oozed Cinder, sweetly. Roman folded his arms, guardedly. "Catch up on some much needed sleep. Why?"  
"Well since your little girlfriend has cleared the place out, we need some more food. You're on shopping duty." She pressed a paper list into his hands and spun around. Emerald and Mercury waited till she had sashayed past them before following suit.  
"Hang on a moment," called Roman, momentarily stopping Cinder in her tracks. "This will mean having to go into Vale. I have a criminal record! I l can't step into a bustling market place! I'll be… be… arrested!"  
"You're a 'master criminal' Roman, as you are constantly reminding us, I'm sure you'll think of something." With that she was gone, her henchmen after her. Mercury paused to slam the door behind him.  
"Well this is just _brilliant_ ," groaned Roman, eyeing the list up and down. "Coming up with a disguise when I have not slept a wink and all I have had for sustenance is a bowl of ice cream? What's going to happen next? Ruby Red Hood Rose herself bursts in and gives me her _laundry_ list?"  
Suddenly, the door swung open.


	4. Chapter 4

Neo strolled in, whistling. She carried a large bundle under one arm and was tossing a yoyo up and down in the other. "I see you got yourself something nice while you were out and about," remarked Roman, trying to mask his initial surprise. Neo smiled sweetly and dropped the bundle on the bottom of the bed. Roman eyed it suspiciously. "What's in the bundle? More ice cream?" Neo shook her head and held up three fingers. Roman groaned. "I'm not in the mood for _charades_ sweetheart, so if you want to say something, write it down."  
Neo stuck her tongue out but, to Roman's satisfaction, pulled the mini whiteboard out of her jacket.

 **I was trying to say that I'll give you three guesses, but apparently you are not in the mood to function properly in society. Who spat in your ice cream?**

Roman pushed the whiteboard down. "Cinder Fall. She didn't _spit_ in it exactly, but she objected against it. Now because of _you_ , Neo my girl, _I_ have to go into Vale and buy new food. What am I? The maid?"  
Neo patted him on the head and held up her whiteboard.

 **Poor sweet baby.**

"Stop that," grunted Roman. Neo pouted and wiped the board clean. Then she proffered it again with a new message.

 ** _Sorry,_** **Mr. Grumpy-Pants. How about I accompany you into town. We could make a few quid while we're there.**

"Sweet of you," replied her partner, swinging his legs over the side of the bed. "And good idea. I could do with an extra pair of hands. Let me get ready and then we can go."  
Neo clapped her hands and kissed him on the cheek. Then she picked up her bundle and started back towards the door. Roman picked up the neatly folded pile of clothes which had been laid on a crate. "Oh, and Neo…" he started, just as she was stepping through the doorway, "…out of interest where did you procure that yoyo from?"  
Neo paused in her yoyo-ing and gave him a look that said 'Why on earth are you interested in a stupid yoyo rather than hoe beautiful I am looking right now' (or at least that's how _he_ interpreted it) and scribbled something on the whiteboard.

 **Quite embarrassing actually. Some bloke was giving them to kids for free and apparently I look like a child. Got me a free yoyo though, so I can't complain.**

Roman's eyes lit up. "That gives me a rather brilliant idea Neo," he said, grabbing his hat from the floor beside the bed. "Meet me in five and I will explain the machinations of it to you."  
Neo blew him a kiss and walked fully into the hallway, slamming the door behind her.

"Neo, you are a petite person. And today, even, you were mistaken for a child," started Roman. He sat at the kitchen table, one hand holding a fresh cigar and the other reached imploringly towards Neo. She sat opposite him, legs crossed and hands resting on her larger whiteboard.

 **Yes. Thanks for bringing** ** _that_** **back up. What are you getting at?**

"Well," continued Roman, stubbing out his cigar, "The kind-hearted folks down in Vale are more likely to take pity on a lost child than a lost adult. I mean, think about it, if you were kind-hearted-"  
Neo rapped his knuckles with the whiteboard. He winced and withdrew his hand, but continued all the same. "If you were kind-hearted, Neo-oh-love-of-my-life-who-can-do-no-wrong, and you came across a child on the streets of Vale- perhaps this child's family was killed by grim- what would you do?"  
There was a pause as Neo warily scrawled something across the whiteboard.

 **If I was all of that (thanks for your** ** _lovely_** **vote of confidence, dear) I would probably give the kid some money or something.**

Roman slapped the table dramatically. Neo glowered as her board and pen were bounced onto the floor. "Exactly! Now what if that kid happened _not_ to be a kid, but a glamorous, beautiful, obliging-to-her-partner con artist?"  
Neo stuck her head up from beneath the table. Then she showed him the whiteboard.

 **Flattery will get you nowhere hot stuff. But yes, what if the child happened to be me?**

"Well then what would happen to the money gained?" continued Roman, stubbing out his cigar and leaning backwards in his chair.

 **Well then the money would go to whoever was behind the operation, providing that the beautiful con-artist could be** ** _bothered_** **to put aside time in her dreary schedule to give the earnings to her obedient and dutiful partner, who waits upon her every word.**

"Neo, baby," exclaimed Roman, spreading his arms wide. "When have I ever let you down?"  
Neo picked up her pen and moved to write on her whiteboard.  
"Okay," admitted Roman. "Fine. Bad example."


	5. Chapter 5

Neo fidgeted on her chair as Roman fussed around behind her. She flipped up her whiteboard.

 **Pull any harder?**

"Look, little-miss-impatience, you can't put _your_ hair up without some resistance."

 **You could let me do it myself.**

"Fine. Fine. So the lady wants to do it her way then," exclaimed Roman, exasperatedly. He backed away, hands in the air and then slumped onto the mouth-eaten sofa. Neo rolled her eyes as he lit another cigar. She stuck out her tongue and efficiently sorted her hair into two large bunches, one either side of her head. Her partner looked her up and down and then nodded appreciatively.  
"You've got the child look down. You've got the ragged look down. Could ya _maybe_ look a little more pathetic?"  
Neo pulled a puppy dog face, scuffing her bare feet against the floor.  
"Perfect. _Magnifique_. Even _I_ feel sorry for you!" applauded Roman, standing up and dropping the butt of his cigar on the floor. Neo watched as he ground it into the carpet.

 **Cinder's going to have a hissy fit about that.**

She held up her whiteboard matter-of-factly. Roman shrugged. "We were never here. We were being good little lackeys and picking up her groceries in town."  
Neo sighed and reached for her parasol.  
"Wait a minute you," interrupted Roman, grabbing her wrist as she reached for it. "Orphaned children tend to not have dangerous weapons disguised as accessories. If you walk into town with that it will ruin the whole façade."  
Neo pouted and batted her eyelashes.  
"No means no. And cut the puppy dog eyes. Save it for the street doll face." Roman picked up his own weapon and raised it so that it was horizontal to his face. He flipped the view finder up and squinted down it. Then he mimed firing. Satisfied with his cane's performance, he lowered it back down. Then he turned to Neo. "So, here's the plan Ice Cream. _You_ are going to wander into town and sit yourself in the busiest place, looking pathetic. Because the festival's coming up, there will be cops on every corner. Specifically the dust stores. I will slip through the crowds, like the master criminal I am, and 'purchase' all Cinder's required items. I'll meet you in the alleyway behind the cinema. Then, we head back here and leave no trace of our ever being in Vale. Understand?"  
Neo gave him a wide grin and double thumbs up.  
"Ready to go then?" asked Roman, offering the crook of his elbow for her to take. Neo nodded and linked her arm with his. Taking one last look around the room, the couple walked out of the door.

"Ok Neo, I'll meet you right here, understand?" explained Roman, gesturing to the alley which stretched out behind him. Neo held up a finger, indicating him to wait a minute. He complied, leaning on his cane as she rummaged in her pockets. Finally she pulled out a whiteboard.

 **Really Roman? An** ** _alleyway_** **? You give the morally challenged a bad name. But ok. I'll meet you here.**

Then she rubbed it clean and scrawled a new slogan.

 **faMily + hom DesTr Yed by GRIMM. coNtribooShuns acsepTed**

"A work of art, my little money maker," approved her partner. Neo grinned and tucked the board back into her pocket. She stood on her tiptoes and kissed him on the mouth, before darting back into the main city. "Right," said Roman, after she had disappeared from view. He rummaged in his pocket for Cinder's list. After reading it for a moment, he pulled a pen from his pocket and started crossing things off. "Can't go there," he muttered, drawing a neat line through the dust shop. "What does she need from there anyway that she can't steal herself? _Definatly_ can't go there. The rest should be easy." He tucked both pen and paper back into his jacket. Then he stubbed out the cigar he had been smoking and set off deeper into the alleyway.

"Alright…" said Roman, ticking off the final item on the list. "Cabbage. Why does she need cabbage anyway?" He tossed the green vegetable up and down in one hand. Then he tossed it into a drawstring bag and slung it over his shoulder. He crumpled the list into a ball and tossed that over his shoulder as well. "So far so good. As long as the police don't suddenly burst out of the fire escape…" he paused and looked up at the fire escape in question. Satisfied that he wasn't going to be the recipient of a sudden arrest, he continued back to the designated meeting place. When he arrived there Neo, who had already changed and had her disguise bundled beneath her arm, was leaning against the wall, flipping a coin.  
"How did it go Ice Cream?" he asked, bending down as she kissed him on the cheek.

 **Good. Good profit, although I had to leave slightly early when two officers tried to escort me to an orphanage.**

Roman laughed and sat down beside her. "Can I see your earnings?" he asked, peering at the bag she was holding. Neo whisked it away from him and quickly changed the message on her whiteboard.

 **Nosy. That's for me to know and you to find out if I'm feeling generous.**

Roman rolled his eyes and tried to grab the bag. Neo slapped his wrist and tucked the bag away into the bundle of clothes. "Aw come on Neo! You know you love me really!"  
Neo stuck her tongue out and pulled his hat down over his eyes. "That's not what you were thinking last night," he muttered, as he struggled with the brim of the hat. Neo had apparently heard that last comment and thwacked him in the shins with her parasol again. "Where did you get _that_ from?" Roman exclaimed, diverting his attention from his hat to his shins. "I thought I told you to leave it at home!"  
Neo shrugged and sat back down next to him.

 **You took so long that I had time to go back and get it. I saw your red-hooded friend in town so I reckoned that we may receive some trouble from her.**

"It's not like she's going to be lurking in alleyways Neo!" laughed Roman, patting her patronizingly on the head. "Don't be so paranoid. I'm here to look after you." Neo's expression turned from disgruntlement to shock and she started waving her arms wildly. Roman sighed. "Neo, I told you. No more charades. I am not in the mood." Neo paused and punched his shoulder and pointed past him further down the alleyway. Rubbing his shoulder ruefully, Roman turned to look where she was pointing. His eyes widened and he let out a yelp as Neo pulled him down behind the crate which they were sitting on. She pressed her hand over his mouth, craning her head up to see the advancing adversary.


	6. Chapter 6

After a bit, Roman lifted his head marginally as well. "I don't believe it!" he whispered. Neo tucked a paper card into his hand and he looked down at it.

 ** _I thought you said she_** **wasn't** **** ** _going to be lurking in alleyways Roman._**

Neo smiled sweetly at him. He sighed and ripped the card into pieces. Then they both turned back to look at the scene which was unfolding. Ruby Rose stood nervously in the middle of the alley way, shuffling from foot to foot. "What is she…" Roman started to say, but Neo placed her finger on his lips to shush him and gestured to the two shadowy figures which were working their way towards them. Neo pushed his head down as they passed. "The White Fang?" he asked incredulously, for that was the nature of the two shadowy figures. Neo's eyes slowly lit up as the two faunas approached Ruby. "A monkey and a… what's that other one?" asked Roman. Neo squinted at the second figure. Another paper card was pressed into Roman's hand.

 ** _Can't tell. Maybe a lizard or something? I don't see any tails or ears or anything, though they could be covered by the hood._**

"Now what would Little Red be doing with two members of the White Fang?" he puzzled, bending the card thoughtfully. Neo put her finger over his lips again and gestured to the three figures. Roman pushed her hand down. "Can you stop doing that…" he started to say, but he was interrupted by Ruby.  
"So, um, hi…" she started flapping her hands by her side. The taller faunas nodded, acknowledging her. The shorter faunas folded her arms.  
"Have you got the money?"  
Ruby nodded and pulled a wad of notes from a hidden pocket in her skirt. The female faunas took it and counted through it. Then she nodded and handed it to her partner. They turned and started to depart.  
"Wait," called out Ruby, taking a step forward. "You won't tell… you know… the _others_ about this, will you?"  
"Don't worry Ruby. This'll be our little secret."  
Roman watched hardly daring to breathe as both parties went their separate ways. When the coast was clear he spread out suddenly, kicking the crate away. "Don't worry Ruby," he cackled. "This'll be _our_ little secret."

When they got back to the base, Cinder was waiting for them. "Got everything, Roman?" she asked sweetly, with a sickly smile painted on her face. Roman watched as Neo slunk past Cinder and into their bedroom, presumably to deposit the day's earnings. He handed Cinder the bag and tried to move after Neo. Cinder caught him by the collar before he could make it to the door.  
"You can get cozy with your little lady friend later, Torchwick. Are you _sure_ you got everything? Because the dust doesn't seem to be here." She showed him the bag, which was full of various different supplies.  
Roman grinned and reached into the inside of his jacket. He pulled out two red crystals. "What," he started, tossing them to Cinder. "This dust? I had completely forgotten about it." Cinder caught the dust and opened her mouth to say something but Roman had already pushed past her, tipping his hat as he went.  
"B-but how did he…?" she stuttered as Emerald took the dust from her and examined it. Cinder frowned. "I don't get it," she muttered, heaving the bag into the kitchen.  
"I even phoned in with several anonymous tips. How did he evade that?"

Roman sat on the edge of the bed, taking his shoes off. Neo lay next to him, eating a bowl of ice cream. After removing his shoes, he flung his hat like a discuss. It landed just short of the hat stand. He groaned and flopped down next to his partner. She responded by hitting him on the nose with her spoon. "Neo!" he groaned, wiping the ice cream out of his eye. "What have I told you about eating in the bed? The last thing a man wants after a hard day of dishonesty is ice cream on his pillow."  
Neo rolled her eyes and shoved the spoon back into her mouth. Roman sighed and stared up at the ceiling. After a while he rolled over to face Neo, who had finished her ice cream and was amusing herself by flicking balls of paper at the ceiling. "Hey, Neo," he whispered, shaking her shoulder. She rolled over to face him. "What do you reckon we saw back there in the alleyway?" he asked. Neo responded by kissing him on the nose and then rolling over so her back was to him. There was the sound of coins clinking. Then she rolled back, clutching the bag of her 'earnings'. "May I?" he asked, reaching for the bag. Neo obliged and handed it over. Roman propped himself up and tipped the contents of the bag onto the bed. A pile of coins fell out, interspersed with a roll of paper notes. "Neo, you beauty!" he exclaimed, kissing her suddenly. "How… how did you get… where did you get…" he spluttered, after they had broken apart. Neo winked and reached for her whiteboard.

 **Some rich couple decided to take pity on a poor little orphan girl. They gave me a generous sum and then took me out for lunch. I got the rest from their pockets.**

Roman laughed and then kissed her again, sweeping the money back into the bag with his free hand.  
They were interrupted by Cinder.  
"Torchwick!" she bellowed, bursting through the door. Roman broke apart from Neo and raised an eyebrow.  
"Ever heard of _knocking_ , Cinder?" he said sarcastically. Cinder flushed red and started to back out of the door, then she stopped and folded her arms. "A little bird told me…" she started, as Roman pushed the bag further under the covers, "That she happened to see Neo in the street pretending to be an orphaned child. And she made quite a pretty penny from what I heard." Roman sat up and folded his arms.  
"Neo was with me the whole time. I have no idea _what_ you are talking about. Anyway, what we do in our own time is our business."  
Cinder shrugged and turned around. As she walked out of the door, she glanced over her shoulder one last time.  
"You owe me for the ash that you've worked into my carpet Torchwick. And don't think I've forgotten about your little money-making scheme." With that she flounced out.


	7. Chapter 7

"What does she want that money for, anyway?" moaned Roman, banging his head on the kitchen table. Neo sat opposite him, making little piles out of the coins. She puffed out her cheeks and crossed her eyes.  
"Yep. That's Cinder all right," laughed Roman, looking up from the table. Neo bowed extravagantly, sweeping the coins from the table with her arm. The ash tray went with them.  
"Neo!" exclaimed Roman, as he dived to catch the ash tray. Neo shrugged apologetically, as he overshot and smacked onto the floor. The ash tray landed with a crash on the floor, overturning its contents. Roman groaned, cradling his nose. Neo patted him on the head and reached for her whiteboard.  
"Forget the snide remarks, help me up!" complained Roman. Neo rolled her eyes and pulled him upwards. She sat him down in one of the chairs and gave him a tissue for his nose. Then she kissed him on the forehead and walked out, leaving the whiteboard rattling on the table. Roman slowly reached for it and then paused. "Bet I know what this is going to say," he muttered, pulling it towards him.

 **Poor sweet baby.**

"You know Neo," he said, in the direction of the door, "There's only so many times you can use that one before it gets old." He rubbed his nose ruefully and stood up. "Let's see…" he muttered, patting his pockets, "Cinder's To do list… steal more dust, ugh, talk to the White Fang. Double ugh." He screwed the list into a ball and tossed it over his shoulder. "White Fang…" Suddenly he stopped. "Neo!" he shouted, running over to the door. He craned his head through the doorway. "Neo?"  
Neo's head poked round the living room door, Roman's hat perched jauntily atop it. Roman rolled his eyes and rested his shoulder against the doorframe. "Come here for a moment… and give me that! That isn't a toy." He grabbed the hat off her head as she pushed past him and into the kitchen. "Neo. The real reason I called this meeting was not to get my hat back-"  
Neo interrupted by tapping her whiteboard.

 **Honey, you barely even called a meeting. You shouted "Neo, get your lazy butt over here"**

"I did _not_ ," protested Roman, as Neo rubbed the board clean. "I asked politely. Which is about the best you're going to get out of me for the time being, to be frank."  
Neo shrugged, walked over to one of the cupboards and began to rummage inside.  
"Neo, don't spoil your appetite. We'll be eating soon. Now… where was I?"  
Neo held up her board again, while pulling out a packet of chocolate chips.

 **You said something about getting your hat back.**

"Yes. Thank you Neo. Remember what we saw in the alley way? Little do-gooder Red handing over dosh to the White Fang?"  
Neo nodded thoughtfully, stuffing a handful of chips into her mouth.  
"Well," continued Roman, "We could use _that_ to extort money from her. We just need…"

 **Evidence?**

Neo held up her board. Roman nodded and clapped her by the shoulders. "Yes Neo, my love. Undeniable evidence that will send little Red quaking in her boots. Evidence that is solid. Evidence that is incriminating. Evidence that… that we don't actually have. Why didn't I think to record that?" He let go of Neo's shoulders and sunk down into the chair, head in his hands. "Why Neo?" he moaned. "Why can't anything go my way?"  
Neo tried to hand him the whiteboard. He pushed it away. "And _enough_ of that 'poor sweet baby' stuff. It gets old after the third time."  
Neo responded to this by thwacking him over the head with the board and shoving it into his hands.

 **Well you're in luck. Good thing** ** _one_** **of us has enough brains to know a profit opportunity when** ** _she_** **sees one.**

Roman looked at the board and then back up at Neo, who was grinning from ear to ear.  
"Neo," he started, slowly handing the board back to her. "Neo, do _you_ have evidence?"  
Neo winked and pulled out what looked like his broken scroll. Although the screen was shattered, a video flickered across it.  
"B-but that's Ruby in the alleyway!" Roman spluttered, peering closer at the screen. "How did you? We were behind there the whole time! You can see the top of my head behind that crate."  
Neo took the scroll back and proudly presented her board.

 **I set it up across the alley before you got back. I was originally intending to make some nice movies so I can remember you when you're dead (which is bound to happen the way** ** _you_** **live your life) but apparently it actually came in useful.**

There was a pause as Roman took in what she had written. "Neo…" he started, grabbing her hands looking her in the eyes.  
"Neo, have you been _filming_ me without my permission?"

 **…** **Maybe? But I got some funny ones of Cinder fighting with a puppy. The puppy won. And I have some of you at about three in the morning. You look cute. Like a little… dead thing. But most importantly, I have the evidence we need to get some dough of Ruby Rose.**

Roman clapped his hands together and stood up suddenly. "Neo," he exclaimed, "I could kiss you."

 **There's time enough for that later, lover boy, but right now we have work to do.**

She threw the board over her shoulder and it landed neatly on the countertop. The couple headed for the door, Roman fixing his hat on his head and Neo closing the scroll and slipping it into her pocket.  
As they were about to leave, Roman paused.  
"Wait… photos of me at three in the morning? Give me that!"  
He tried to extract the scroll from her pocket, but Neo cuffed him about the ear, settling the argument. As they continued down the corridor, with sudden bursts of conversation like: "Wait… dead? I'm not going anywhere soon!" and "Was the puppy in question wearing galoshes" and "Neo you don't have any other… videos of me do you?", Emerald detached herself from where she had been hiding behind the door. She shrugged and helped herself to the packet of chocolate chips that Neo had left on the table.  
"I may have to get hold of that scroll at some time," she pondered, tracing circles on the table cloth with her finger. "Cinder fighting a puppy? Now _that's_ something I have to see."

"Okay Neo," announced Roman, as he stood in front of the large whiteboard. "What is the first thing we do?"  
Neo, who was sitting opposite him, raised her own board in answer.

 **We write a ransom note.**

"Exactly," replied her partner, flourishing his pen. He wrote the suggestion down. "We write, not a ransom note exactly, but a note saying that we know of her dealings with the White Fang."  
Neo raised her hand.  
"Yes," said Roman, pointing to her. "The beautiful woman with the colorful hair."  
Neo smiled and shook her head, holding up her whiteboard.

 **What if we say something like, 'We KNOW what you were doing in the alleyway behind the cinema.'**

"Nice," replied Roman. "Mysterious. Chilling. To the _point_ of the matter."  
Neo bowed and wiped her board clean. "Yes," continued Roman, un-capping the pen again. "We write little Red a nice little note. We demand money. We say that we'll 'tell the others' about her activities."  
Neo applauded.

 **I like it!**

"I know you do, sweetheart. I _am_ a master criminal, after all."  
Neo rolled her eyes and walked up to the bigger board.

 **Give me a boost Romeo?**

Roman sighed and hooked his arms around her waist, lifting her up so that she could reach the board. She patted his head in thanks. Then she took her own pen and started to write down the note.

 **Ruby Rose.  
We KNOW what you were doing in the alleyway behind the cinema.  
You wouldn't want the rest of your little team to find out, would you?  
Money. Lots of it. In the crate in that same alleyway. Tomorrow.  
Or the rest of your buddies find out.  
We'll be waiting.  
Oh- and no funny stuff.  
The police find out about our little 'deal' and your friends find out to.  
We know you won't let us down.**

Neo capped her pen and patted Roman's head again. He put her down and dusted off his hands. "A master piece Neo, my Ice Cream," he exclaimed, as Neo took her seat again. "The sooner we get this copied out, the better. But first, let's find out who our faunas friends really are. That will give us another Ace in our hand. How's your penmanship Ice Cream?"  
Neo held up her board.

 **Flourishing.**

"Good. If you can write down that note, we can leave it somewhere for Red to find."  
Neo interrupted by tapping him on the shoulder.

 **Maybe if we wait in that alleyway again…**

"You're a genius Neo!" exclaimed Roman, picking her up and whirling her around. "And we might get more evidence against her."  
Neo whacked him over the head with her whiteboard.

 **Put me down, you soppy idiot.**

But she was smiling. Slowly Roman put her back down and then sat down heavily into a chair. The chair, unaccustomed to this sudden influx of weight, buckled beneath him and, for the fifth time that day, Roman Torchwick found himself thrown onto the floor.


	8. Chapter 8

"Okay Neo," started Roman, as they walked out into the alleyway. "Here's the plan. I'll stake out this bit and possibly drop the note if Red appears. I will contact you with this-", he held up his scroll, "-and you will hang around Beacon. There are some military aircraft hovering around there because of the festival coming up. I'm _sure_ that you'll have no trouble finding your way onto one."  
Neo inspected her nails, bored by the mere _suggestion_ that there was a small probability that she may have trouble. She flicked her scroll open, surveyed the screen, and then shut it again. Then she gave Roman a toothy grin and a big thumbs up.  
"I'll contact you if anything goes wrong, okay Neo?"  
She nodded again, kissed him on the cheek and then strolled off down the alleyway with her parasol tucked beneath one arm.  
Roman waited till she had headed out into the main part of Vale, before trying to fit himself in the space behind the crates.  
"How does Neo make this look so… so… easy?" he muttered, as he finally managed to bundle himself away from sight.  
"Typical," he groaned, as he slipped backwards and kicked the crate over. "Cinder Fall and her cronies get to infiltrate Beacon. _Neo_ gets to infiltrate Beacon. What do I get? _I_ , the hard-working Roman Torchwick, get stuck behind a crate. And what else in the long term? Arrested. That's what. Stupid Cinder plans. Why do _I_ have to be arrested? Why not Emerald… or Pluto?"  
Suddenly his scroll buzzed in his pocket, cutting off his rant. He readjusted his hiding place and then checked the message. It was from Neo.

 ** _On plane now. How r u doing? :_** ** _J :_** ** _J :_** ** _J :_** ** _J :_** ** _J :_** ** _J :_** ** _J :_** ** _J :_** ** _J :_** ** _J :_** ** _J :_** ** _J :_** ** _J :_** ** _J :_** ** _J_**

"Ease up on the smiley faces Neo," said Roman, rolling his eyes. Fumbling, he typed in a reply of ' _Good. Don't worry. Everything going to plan_ ' but autocorrect, having different ideas, changed it to ' _Good. Won't sorry. Everything going to flan._ '  
"No! Don't send! Don't send!" hissed Roman, but it was too late. He groaned and banged his head against the back wall. Neo's response was almost instantaneous.

 ** _'_** ** _Going to flan'? LOL. U fighting w autospell again? XD XD XD XD XD XD_**

Roman rolled his eyes again and slipped the scroll into his jacket pocket, before thinking better of it and carefully switching it onto video mode. No sooner had he done this, then Ruby Rose walked out of the shadows.  
"A-anyone there?" she called, nervously, hands flitting to the folded up scythe that was attached to her belt. "I could've sworn that I heard something." She looked left and right. Roman held his breath as she started to walk towards his hiding place. "I could've _sworn_ ," muttered Ruby, "That I heard a crate clattering…"

Roman gritted his teeth as Ruby started to walk towards him. Just as she was about to get close enough to his hiding place to be able to actually _see_ him, the two White Fang members appeared from the other end. Ruby turned suddenly and ran up to meet them.  
"How did it go guys?" she whispered. The female faunas took off her hood and mask, revealing a dark haired girl with black cat ears.  
"You've _gotta_ be kidding me…" groaned Roman. The taller faunas took of _his_ hood and mask as well, to reveal a boy with messy blond hair.  
"Thanks for the dough Ruby!" he exclaimed, bundling the rest of his disguise into a ball.  
"Yes," said the cat girl, neatly folding her own disguise. "That really helped. I can't believe what the White Fang have become. They used to be _honorable_ , but now they even accept _bribes_!"  
Roman scrabbled for his scroll, which had been recording for the whole encounter.  
"Stupid thing," he hissed, trying to get it open. "Can't believe it. Cat girl and monkey boy the _entire_ time. If Neo doesn't find out…"  
As he fumbled with the device, Ruby waved goodbye to her friends and skipped off back into Vale. Just as she disappeared from view, the scroll buzzed suddenly.

 ** _Sup lover boy. U got the vid yet? ;D_**

Roman shrieked, the scroll flying out of his hand and smashing at the feet of the cat girl.  
"Noooo…" he said quietly, reaching instinctively for his cane.  
"Sun," said the cat girl, prodding the scroll with the tip of her boot. "Did you _hear_ something?"  
The monkey boy reached for the nun-chucks which hung from his belt and the cat girl for her own weapon, which was a bizarre cross between a sword and a kunai-with-chain.  
"Yay…" said Roman under his breath. "Two against _one_. What a brilliant day this is turning out to be."  
The cat girl and monkey boy started walking slowly towards his hiding place. Roman fumbled in his pocket for the dust which would allow him to create a smoke screen and escape. He pulled out a dust-stained piece of paper.

 ** _Sorry sweetie. Had to borrow your dust. I'll pay you back. It's not like you'll need it anytime soon…  
XXX Neo ;P_**

Roman slowly crumpled the paper into a ball and sighed, standing up. He leaned on his cane to steady himself.  
"Who'd have thunk it?" he remarked, more to himself than to his two assailants.  
"Undone by my own lover. Cinder I'd expect, and Red and even Pluto. But I would never have thought…" he sighed again.  
"Et tu, Neo?"


	9. Chapter 9

Neo was sitting with her feet on the table when Roman got home, calmly eating a large bowl of ice cream. She raised an eyebrow when she saw his appearance.  
"What have I _told_ you about eating between meals Neo?" he moaned, slumping down opposite her and banging his head down on the table. Neo lifted her legs and then replaced them onto his head. She put down her bowl and scribbled something onto one of her whiteboards.

 **Aw. Poor wickle Roman. Has the nasty wickle girl all beaten you up? Want Neo to kiss it better?**

"It's the least you could do," he muttered, under his breath. Neo lifted her legs off the table and walked over to him. She planted a sloppy kiss on the side of his face and then dumped her bowl and spoon in the sink. Sat up and then rested his head in his hands.  
"Just once Neo. Just _one_ little victory. Is that too much to ask for?"  
Neo shrugged and patted him on the head.

 **Poor sweet baby.**

"For the love of-" Roman swiped at the board, but Neo whisked it out of his reach. With nothing to vent his anger on, Roman returned to his despondent state.  
"I mean, even the _White Fang_ aren't providing us with a chance for profit. Turns out that they were just members of Red's team all along. Well, the cat girl was. Don't know about the monkey boy…" he leaned backwards in his chair and stared at the ceiling. "We need to check the White Fang over if _bribery_ is what they needed to get in… That was what the money was for, you see. Then _you_ just happened to send me a message at the wrong time. Red had left by then of course…"  
Neo raised an eyebrow.

 **Two against one? You had the advantage. But here you are, looking like something that Mercury dragged in with him on the bottom of his shoes.**

Roman sat up and glared at her. "I _would've_ had a better chance, if it weren't for _this_." He tossed a ball of paper to Neo. She caught it and slowly flattened it out.

 ** _Sorry sweetie. Had to borrow your dust. I'll pay you back. It's not like you'll need it anytime soon…  
XXX Neo ;P_**

Neo's eyes grew wide and she opened and closed her mouth a couple of times. "'It's not like you'll need it anytime soon?'" said Roman, acid dripping from his voice. Neo walked over to him silently and hugged him, resting her head on top of his.  
"I won anyway though…" he said, brushing the grime off his coat. "But these kids never learn. You think you have utterly crushed them, but when you regain consciousness you find that they've run off again to lick their wounds. Probably literally, in that cat girl's case." Neo let go of him and held up her board.

 **How about you clean yourself up and take a nap. Let Neo make everything better.**

She took him by the shoulders and slowly pushed him out of the kitchen. Then, waiting till she could hear the shower running, she closed the bedroom door and slipped out into the night.

Roman slowly opened his eyes, expecting at any moment to feel a foot connect with his face. When no such impact came, he sat up and looked around. The space next to him where Neo, or at least her feet, should've been was empty with not so much as a hollow indicating that she had been there. Still half asleep, he fumbled for his scroll, before remembering the events of the previous night.  
"Not _another_ scroll smashed," he groaned, flopping back down and sandwiching his head beneath the pillow. He groaned again and sat up, knowing full well that he would _have_ to face the day at _some_ point. Slowly he trudged down to the kitchen, pausing only briefly to 'borrow' his third scroll from Cinder's office. Neo was waiting for him in the kitchen with two bowls of ice cream. She pushed one of them towards him, before holding up her whiteboard.

 **Sleep well?**

"Surprisingly," replied Roman, prodding the food in his bowl. "There weren't any corgi dogs this time so…"  
A look of confusion passed across Neo's face, but she chose to forget it and held up her board again.

 **Cinder, Emerald and Mercury are out for a week so we have the place to ourselves.**

Roman shrugged and went back to prodding his breakfast/dessert. Neo cleared her throat and flipped the whiteboard over.

 **I'm surprised, actually, that you haven't noticed yet.**

"Noticed _what_ Neo?" complained Roman. He leaned across the table, till their noses were almost touching. Then he squinted and leaned back again.  
"Oh! New haircut. I like it. It really brings out… your hair."  
Neo pinched the bridge of her nose in exasperation and shook her head. She un-capped her whiteboard pen.

 **Normally you pick up stuff like this the moment you walk into the room.**

"What is that?"  
Roman was pointing over her shoulder at a large pile of banknotes on the countertop behind Neo. Neo smiled, as if to say 'So you finally noticed' and got up out of her chair. She scooped up the money and dumped it ceremoniously in front of Roman. He looked at the pile and then back up at Neo a couple of times. Then he leaned backwards and crossed his arms.  
"Nope," he declared. "Not buying it. This is probably is a dream. Bring on the boot-wearing dog already so I can get this thing over with."  
Neo cuffed him about the head and held up her whiteboard.

 **Well it's nice that you dream about me, but I am happy to inform you that you are wide awake.**

"The-then where did you get all this money from?" stuttered Roman. "You can't pull the orphaned child off for two consecutive days! And the whole Ruby Rose thing fell through…"

 **Not exactly…**

Roman stared at the whiteboard. "What do you mean not exact-"  
Neo placed her finger on his lips and flipped the whiteboard over.

 **It turns out that we** ** _did_** **have something against Ruby-Red-Hood. The money that she gave to her friends? She'd borrowed it off the Schnee girl. But the Schnee girl didn't know that. She also 'borrowed' some off her sister. Apparently just the mere thought of the Schnee girl and her sister knowing that she'd lent herself some of their money was enough for her to take** ** _more_** **money and leave it in the designated spot.**

"So you mean, if I _hadn't_ smashed my scroll and given myself away," started Roman.  
Neo nodded encouragingly.  
"Then you would've known the plan was off and wouldn't have headed to Beacon and found out about… how did you find out about that by the way?"  
Neo held up a finger and wrote something quickly on her whiteboard.

 **The kid talks to her dog. She was explaining the** ** _entire_** **situation to it (I mean, why?)** **while trying to convince it to wear galoshes.**

Neo rolled her eyes and chucked the board over her shoulder, hopping into Roman's lap.  
"Things _did_ work out for us after all, Neo!" he exclaimed, wrapping his arms around her. Neo kissed him softly and then broke back and smiled.  
"I love you, Ice Cream," said Roman, ruffling her hair. Neo held up her whiteboard.

 **I love you too…**

She flipped it round to the other side.

 **Jerkbutt.**

Roman rolled his eyes and shifted her off his lap. "Come on Neo. Let me get my coat and hat. Let's go get ice cream. My treat."  
Neo clapped her hands and ran off to get her parasol from the living room. As Roman was about to step out, he looked back one last time at the ashtray on the table. "Ah ha!" he declared, clapping his hands together. "I've beaten you _this_ time."  
He started walking again, turning his head just in time to walk straight into the door frame.  
Neo, with parasol, hat and coat in hand, popped back into the hallway to see what had happened. She kissed Roman on the forehead and un-capped her whiteboard pen, extracting the mini-board from her jacket.  
"Neo, don't you-" started Roman, but Neo had already tucked the pen back into her pocket.

 **Poor sweet baby.**


End file.
